Unsure but Sure
by ceexotter
Summary: a one-shot i've separated into three parts. not really sure if that makes sense . Lily finally says yes. Lily calls it off right before Valentine's day for unknown reasons. then Lily says yes again. Read and Review please!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N- some of this is reference to a fanfiction I write a long time ago and then scrapped because I didn't really like it anymore. Quick basiscs - James and Lily had dated for a while during 5th year, but James cheated on her. so Lily hated him. There's minimal reference because I've tried to edit it out, and I don't wanna confuse anyone! Thanks for reading!**

I was sitting in the library, quill in hand, writing an essay on an ordinary day in the beginning of February, a few days after I turned 17. That's a long description for one day, but I swear, it was an ordinary day. After having spent six and a half years at Hogwarts, trust me, I knew an ordinary day when it happened. McGonagall had just assigned us all a twenty inch long essay about the concepts behind transfiguring something simple into something more complex. Since Transfiguration is not one of my best subjects, I was beyond frustrated.

A dark-haired figure walked up behind me and before he even had the chance to speak, I retorted, "Potter, one word and I'll hex you into oblivion." This had become so routine that I didn't have to even think about what I was saying. However, this time something pulled at my naval, trying to tell me to ease off and be nice.

"Evans!" he said, startled, "You don't even know what I was going to say!"

I hadn't looked up from my essay, and I wasn't planning on it. I had work to do. I didn't want to be distracted. Again, routine. Just say what you always say and he'll go away. "I would really prefer to finish my essay in peace. So if you could leave, that would be great. Okay? Okay. Goodbye!"

I flipped a few pages in the book that was open in front of me. Since he was Head Boy and I was Head Girl, we shared a separate common room. I had no escape from him except the library...and yet, here he was! Not leaving me alone, per the usual. He sat down next to me. I sighed in frustration, but pretended I didn't notice. I skimmed a few paragraphs and scribbled down a few sentences. I had gotten good at working while he was trying to get my attention.

I could feel his eyes probing my face as I tried with all of my might to focus on the essay that was in front of me.

_Forget about him, Evans. Just because he's gorgeous...no wait, he's not gorgeous! What are you thinking, Evans?! Get your head back into the game. You hate James Potter. He is not gorgeous. He's an arrogant prat. Yes, that's what he is. A stupid, arrogant, yet very beautiful prat. Ugh, bad Evans! Quit thinking about him. Focus on your essay!_

I sighed again as whatever it was tugged at my naval. There was no use. I couldn't focus with him breathing down my neck.

"Potter, seriously, you need to go away. I came here hoping to get away from you. I'm trying to write this stupid essay for McGonagall. I have no idea what I'm doing, and I can't think with you here." My words didn't have their usual force behind them. I was being gentle with him. But why the hell...?

"Ahh, so I do have a string on your heart! You can't think when I'm around because all you can think about is me!"

_Yes, that's right, beautiful prat. Wait, beautiful? … But if I tell you that, then your ego will inflate to the size of the globe. Opposite of what I want right now...which is for you to go away! Hold up, is that really what you want, Evans? Don't you want his company? NO! I don't want his company! I want him to go away and leave me alone …. Yeah! That's it. _

"No, that is the opposite of true. I can't think because I have no idea what the hell I'm doing, and with you right there, I can't even have my space to think."

"You do know that Transfiguration is my best subject, right? I could help you?"

"No thanks."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure."

"Really?"

"Yes, thanks."

"So you do want help?"

"No, Potter. Go away."

"But I don't want to go away."

"I came here to get away from you. If I wanted to see you, I would have stayed in our common room, where you and your friends always are."

"But I wanted to see you, hence why I followed you here."

I rolled my eyes. Obviously, our usual banter wasn't going to work today. This conversation wasn't routine. And he wasn't going to go away. So I was just going to ignore him. I went back to scribbling on my essay. I knew I wasn't making much progress, and I wasn't going to. There was no use. I had no idea what I was doing. I'd have to ask Remus later. There was no shame in asking Remus for help. However, asking Potter? Yeah, right. That would be admitting defeat. I sat back in my chair, staring at my much to short essay. And someone was staring at me. Guess who.

"Potter! I told you to quit staring at me and leave me alone!"

"Nope. You asked me to go away. I declined gracefully. What you asked already was for me to go away. Mind you, you didn't ask very nicely, Evans."

"Fine. Potter, would you _please_ quit staring at me, _please _leave me alone, and _please_ go away!"

"Thank you for adding please."

"You're welcome. Now go!"

"Again, I decline gracefully."

I scowled. Though the fact that he was admitting to being graceful was sort of humorous.

"I seriously can help you, Evans. Transfiguration is my thing!"

"I'm fine, Potter, thanks." I started shoving books back into my bag. I figured I might as well go back to my room and be comfortable. If I was getting nothing done in the library, nothing was going to get done ever.

I took my book bag and slipped it over my shoulder. I got up to leave only none other than James Potter was blocking my path.

"Potter, _please_ get out of my way!" I said through gritted teeth, trying my best to stay polite.

At the beginning of the year, we made a pact to be kind to each other since we were sharing living quarters and had to patrol corridors all the time together. I was doing a good job, until he started acting like a puppy dog who wanted all my attention. _Maybe its not a bad thing that he wants your attention... _That was my naval talking. I pushed the thought from my head and focused on trying to get past the road block that stood solid in my path.

"Where are you going?"

"None of your business, Potter." I pushed past him and out of the library.

His long legs caught up to me in about 2.5 seconds though. _Damn it, Potter...just leave me be! Though the fact that you're trying to stand in my way is kind of sexy..._

"Lily, wait up!"

"Its Evans to you, if you don't mind!"

"Fine...Evans...just stop for a minute!"

He had gotten in front of me and blocked off the hallway so I couldn't push past.

"What is it, Potter? I have other things I need to be doing."

"No, you don't! Your schedule is free."

"How could you possibly know that?"

"I saw your calendar!"

"You read my calendar!? Potter!"

"Hush, Lily. You left it open, I didn't go snooping."

I snorted. "Well, get on with it. What do you want?"

"I just wanted to ask you how you were doing."

I stared at him blankly. "You tracked me down to ask me how I was doing?"

"Well, uhh, yeah. I – uh, guess so!"

"You couldn't have waited until you saw me at a meal or something?"

"Nope, I couldn't wait."

"Potter, you are so pathetic!" I ducked under his arm and kept pushing on my way up the stairs to our common room. If only we didn't share living quarters. So ridiculous. I had no escape from him.

I knew he was behind me. I could hear his footsteps and his breath as he tried to catch up.

I got in front of our portrait and gave the password : "mulberry bark".

He followed right behind me.

I dumped by book bag into one of the chairs and went to stare out the window, hoping that he would take the hint and leave me alone. Surprise, surprise...he didn't take the hint. I could feel his eyes on the back of my neck. Self-consciously, I reached up to tuck a strand of stray hair behind my ear.

"What do you really want, Potter?" I asked, turning around to face him.

"I really want to know how you're doing today."

"I'm just fine, thanks, if you must know."

"Wonderful!"

"Okay, so now that you know that, are you going to leave me alone?"

"This is my room as much as it is yours!"

I sighed. He was right. I couldn't kick him out. And if I left, he'd just follow me again. He had that stupid map, and he could find me in a heartbeat. I stepped away from the window and went to one of the chairs by the fireplace, settling myself into it. He was still staring at me anxiously. I rolled my eyes, pulled a book out of my bag and started to read.

He cleared his throat obviously.

I glared at him. "Potter, what the hell do you want?"

"Nothing. I just like to look at you."

"Well, I don't appreciate being looked at by you!" I was trying hard to be routine.

He pouted.

"Quit looking at me!"

"I can't! You're so beautiful. Its hard to quit looking at you."

My heart melted a little bit; my routine comebacks flying straight out the window.

_He called me beautiful. How can I shun him from that? Why does he bother me so much anyway? _

I thought about it for a second. No real reasons as to why I hated how he paid me so attention. Girls liked attention from gorgeous boys, right?

"Okay," I said simply.

He looked at me puzzled. His eyes searched my face. "Wha-" he paused, still confused. "Wait, what?"

"I said okay. You said you can't stop looking at me. I said okay."

"So wait, I can keep looking at you?"

I looked away from him, unable to stare into his overly-honest eyes. They were such a pure hazel color; I just wanted to drowned myself in them. "Yeah, I guess so," I replied, nonchalantly.

His mouth hung open, gaping like a fish out of water.

I flipped a few pages. I could feel my heart beating faster than usual.

_Wait, did you just give him permission to stare at you, Evans? Why the hell would you do that? That's the last thing you want! Now he's going to think that he has permission to stare at you all the time. But those eyes! So pure, so curious, so beautiful. Stop it, Evans! Quit calling him beautiful! He's not. He's an arrogant prat! Yeah, that's it. An arrogant prat! Not the gorgeous, beautiful, wonderful, sexy Quiddicth player everyone says he is...yeah! That's right. _

"I'm confused now. You just gave me permission to stare at you?"

My words faltered me. "I- uh, yeah. I guess I did."

"Why?"

"Do you not want permission to stare at me?"

"I have no idea." His brow furrowed, thinking. "Its such a strange thing to be given permission for."

"I suppose."

He snorted, a wide smile spreading across his face.

"What's so amusing?"

"You like my attention."

"Wha- I- ... No I don't!"

"Yes, you do! You like my attention all the time!"

I blushed tomato red. _Damn you, redhead complexion. _

He eyed me. "You like my attention." This time, his voice was full of the smirk that was plastered all over his face. "She likes my attention." His tone changed again as he talked to himself, pure shock filled all four words. But his smile reappeared. "You like my attention! You like my attention!" He stood up, giddy as could be and paced around the room, practically chanting those four words.

"James!" I caught his attention by using his first name. "Okay, fine. I do enjoy your attention. Even if it drives me nuts at times."

He quit pacing and came to kneel in front of my chair. Quickly, I pulled my book back in front of my face, trying to forget about him and what we were just talking about.

_Keep calm, Evans. Its okay. So what if you admitted that you enjoy his attention? That's not admitting that you possibly have feelings for the famous James Potter. Wait, do I have feelings for him? Damn, has he actually gotten to me?_

Butterflies flitted about my stomach as I internally argued with myself. Feelings for James? Never.

I peeked over the top of my book.

_Oops, bad idea. Those damn hazel eyes are trying to lock onto mine...and shit, they just did!_

"Lily," he dared to use my first name, "have I finally melted your heart? Broken through your shell? Knocked down your reinforced walls? Stormed the castle of your heart? Defeated all the monsters placed in my way to keep me from rescuing you from yourself?"

"Rescuing me from myself? Really? Are you serious?"

"No, I'm James Potter. Sirius is my best mate, though, so you're kinda close."

"Ha, ha, ha. Very funny, Potter. The 'Sirius, serious' joke is a little cliché after nearly seven years of going to school with that bastard."

"I'm slightly offended! He's my best mate and is certainly not a bastard."

"Well, now that we got that cleared up, I'd like to go back to reading, thanks."

"No, no, no, no! You can't just go back to reading! You just admitted something very serious," he tried not to snicker at his own pun, "and we can't just go on with our lives! We need to talk about this."

"Well fine. You talk, I'll read. And if I find the need to interject something, you have my word that I will."

I pulled my book back up in front of my face and skimmed a few lines, waiting for his words to fill my head with his soothing voice. But they didn't come. Instead his hand appeared over the top of my book, as he pushed it away from my face again. His beautiful eyes meeting mine once again.

"Lily..."

"What, James?"

"Do you- err, perhaps, do you have feelings for me?"

His eyes had a lock on mine. Two pools were sucking me in. I had never seen a look so pure and yearning for the truth. There was no lying to him while he looked at me like that. I simply couldn't. Every bone in my body wanted to tell him that I loved him. No more playing around. There was simply no way.

"I- umm, yes."

I looked down, blushing again, and unwilling to see the expression on his face. I was embarrassed to be admitting that I had, in fact, given in to the charm of James Potter. After nearly seven years, I couldn't deny it anymore. James Potter had gotten into my skull and shaken things around a bit. No longer could I tell myself that I hated him. No longer could I tell myself that I didn't want to feel his skin against mine. No longer could I tell myself that I didn't want his tongue down my throat or vice versa.

_Wow, that was a little...graphic..._

I looked back at James' face. I had never seen him so confused yet happy.

"Am I dreaming?"

"No, James. You're not."

"So you did just tell me that you feel something for me?"

"Yes."

"Wow...okay. Umm, so hypothetically, if I asked you out right now...you would say yes?"

"I might."

"Would you throw something at me?"

"Probably not."

"Would you hex me senseless?"

"Most likely, no."

He let out the remaining air in his lungs. "Okay, well, here goes nothing! Lily Evans, apple of my eye, light of my world, would you, please, go out with me? Please?"

He was almost pleading with me. It was so damn cute.

I was planning on playing with him some more, but since his gorgeous smiling eyes had found mine again, I had no heart to make him suffer anymore.

"Yes. James, yes."

His eyes lit up even more than I thought was possible. His smile took up his entire face. He ran his hand through his hair, unsure of what to do next. He was ecstatic; I had never seen him so happy in all of the six years, five months, and five days that I had known him. But then his face fell.

"Wait a second. You aren't shitting me, are you? You're being serious? No puns this time."

"No. I'm completely serious."

"You're not playing with me?"

"No. Not at all."

"Serious?"

"Serious."

"You're sure?"

"James! Yes, I'm sure," I said with a giggle. It wasn't surprising that he wasn't completely sure that I was being serious. I had messed with his head so much that it makes sense to have to check that I was being 100% true with him. All of this messed with my head too. I was suppose to hate him, but I just agreed to be his girlfriend. All day...hell, all year, my brain had been playing ping-pong with itself about what to think about him. And here it was. I had fallen for him at last.

In one fluid motion, he leaned in and pressed his lips into mine. He pulled away after a split-second, to check the expression on my face. I'm sure it was somewhere between a smile of confusion and a smile of pure bliss. In that tiny little peck of a kiss, I realized that this was the missing piece of my puzzle that would make me complete. I knew this, he, is what my life was missing. James Potter.


	2. Chapter 2

I was in a hurry. I had forgotten my necessary books when I went down to breakfast. So I barely ate anything before I rushed back to my room to grab what I needed. I had knocked over some bottles of spare ink that were sitting on my dresser in my rush, allowing them to shatter on the floor, splattering ink everywhere. I hastily cleaned it with my wand, before grabbing my books and practically running from my room.

_Lily Evans was not late for class_, I reminded myself, when the thought passed through my mind about just ditching and taking some time to think. _Besides, James would come find me and that's the last thing you want right now._

I repositioned the books in my arms and hurried up a flight of stairs. However, I felt one in the middle start to slide from my grip.

"Shit!" I said, as my books tumbled to the floor.

"Lily Evans! I am appalled by your language!" James said, jokingly, appearing a few paces behind me.

I nearly jumped. _Shit, shit, shit. The last person I wanted to see right now has to find me when I'm having a really bad morning already._

"Yeah, well, I guess you haven't been around me lately." I knew that was a lie. We had been spending every waking minute together for the last 48 hours.

I bent down to grab the stray books, but he swooped over to pick them up for me.

"Life's a bitch," I muttered under my breath.

He smirked openly. "I never expected to hear such language coming from the love-of-my-life's mouth! Here I was, thinking about how innocent you were..."

I scowled, taking my books from his arms and starting to storm off.

He followed though. "What's wrong, Lily Blossom?" he asked me softly, getting in front of me so I couldn't move.

"Nothing's wrong, James."

"Not two minutes ago you were muttering that life is a bitch under your breath. Obviously, that means something is wrong."

"Can we please not talk about this right now?"

"No, we're talking about this right now. You told me the same thing this morning, and the same thing last night. Something is bothering you, and we're going to discuss this right now."

I hugged my books closer to my chest. There were certainly a lot of people in the corridor, staring. Everyone was always trying to get insight on the life of Lily Evans and James Potter. We were the most popular couple in the castle since the three Black sisters reeked havoc with their love lives in the halls of Hogwarts.

He noted my hesitation and grabbed my elbow, leading us into an empty classroom to have more privacy. He shut the door behind us and placed a silencing charm on the room.

"Okay. There. Now spill."

I placed my books on the table that stood nearest to me. I absentmindedly traced my fingers along the spines of my various books. _Where to start...ugh, why does my life suck right now?_

I still hadn't said anything. James was looking at me, his face showing an emotion somewhere between frustration, wariness, and patience. I didn't know how he could possibly feel those three things towards me all at once; they were so contradicting.

I sighed, finally opening my mouth to speak. "James, I don't know if I can do this."

He stared at me, his jaw about ready to drop to the floor.

"Wh-what?"

"Us. I don't know if I can handle 'us' right now."

"What? Why? Three days ago you accepted my offer to go out with me...and now you're changing your mind?!" He ran a frustrated hand through his hair.

I looked away from his face and back to my books.

"You said you weren't shitting me..." he mumbled.

His voice sounded so sad. Instantly, I wanted to tell him I was only joking and that I didn't mean it. However, I knew that I did. I couldn't handle us being together anymore. All I did was think about the past; thinking about all those times he teased me and Severus; how I felt when he helped shattered my world.

"I know I did," my voice pleading. "I'm really sorry, James. It just hurts so much to be with you right now. I still can't erase our past from my mind." I had looked back up to study his face. His emotion had changed to pain, and I could see it in every beautiful feature on his face.

"But I've changed, Lily!"

"I can see that, but it doesn't change the past, James Potter!" I snapped. I didn't mean to be harsh with the boy. It was a natural habit. Besides, breaking up with my boyfriend wasn't something I wanted to be doing less than two weeks before Valentine's day.

"I'm sorry, Lils! Please. Don't do this..."

"I'm sorry, too, James..." I whispered. I reached up, placing my hand gently on his cheek. "Just give me some space. I'll figure things out."

He placed his hand over top of mine, holding it to his face still. "Does this mean we still have a chance?"

I pulled my hand from his and picked up my books again. "Maybe," I said, pain echoing in my own voice. I did mean it, and I hoped that he knew that. I knew that James Potter was what my life was missing. There was a James-shaped hole in my heart. I could feel it every time I saw him smile.

I moved closer to him, hugging my books tight to my chest once more. "I'm sorry," I whispered to his ear. I stood on my tiptoes and placed my lips lightly against his cheek. I gave him a small, sad smile and retreated from the classroom.

I felt tears stinging at my eyes. _ I just broke up with James Potter...why the hell am I sad about this? Its what I wanted...wasn't it?_


	3. Chapter 3

Valentine's Day.

Such a terrible holiday in my mind.

One only loves it if said person has someone to share it with.

In my case, I was still upset with James. So I was alone as could be. The only thing that would have made it worse would have been a Hogsmeade trip. I sat alone at the Gryffindor table, feeling numb. I knew that something was missing. I even knew what that something was. James Potter.

Ever since we had our first kiss, I knew that he would be the person to fill the void that I constantly felt when we were apart. However, I couldn't bring myself to be with him. I promised myself I would never trust him again, and so far, I was sticking to that promise.

I watched as he came into the Great Hall, shoulders slouched, head down. This was uncommon for him. Usually he walked proud, head held high, like nothing in the world could tear away his happiness. But I had done exactly that. I had torn away his happiness.

He caught my eye, giving me a small smile. I looked at him apologetically.

I really was sorry.

I had been so happy, letting myself be involved with him.

Letting him love me like I knew he did.

Even if it had only been for a few days. Just shy of two weeks.

But instead, I pushed him away.

Leaving me numb; hallow; alone.

_You're way out of line, Evans._ A voice tugged at the back of my mind. James had changed. James was only trying to be a sweetheart to me. James did truly love me. _So why can't you just accept that? _

I sighed and picked at my breakfast. Classes today would be difficult. One, everyone who had someone would be freaking out today because of a stupid holiday. Two, all of my classes today were with James. Three, all I wanted to really do was crawl into a hole and avoid James Potter for the rest of my life.

And that's when a handsome tawny owl flew my way. He landed in front of me, carrying a dozen white and pink lilies: my favorite flower of course. I detached the flowers from the owl's leg and handed him a piece of my toast. He hooted his thanks and flew off.

Without looking around to see who sent them, I took the card from the lilies and stared at it for a minute before opening it. I knew, without reading, who the lilies were from. Most of the school knew that my favorite flower is the lily, but James Potter was the only one who knew that the white and pink lilies were specifically my favorite. Unable to wait any longer, I tore the card open gently.

_Lily,_

_I don't know how many times I have to apologize to you to get you to see that I've changed, so I'll apologize again and again until you finally accept. I'm sorry. I really am. If I could change the past, you know I would. I can't help who I was at fifteen, but I can tell you that the nearly eighteen year old me is way different. If you're up to it, I'd like to have dinner with you tonight. Alone. In the kitchens? Please? I'll save you a seat in Transfiguration._

_I love you._

_Always,_

_James_

The hallow feeling in the pit of her stomach deepened. His words rang so true in my mind. That's when I knew I couldn't avoid him forever. I wouldn't be able to. And missing a N.E.W.T. level transfiguration class is out of the question.

Sighing again, I glanced at James to find him staring at me, watching carefully. I nodded to him, smiling slightly. I mouthed, "thanks" to him and got up, carrying the lilies like they would break if I were to handle them too roughly.

My friends passed me as I was going out of the Great Hall. Their faces lit up upon seeing the lilies, but I waved them off with the excuse that I needed to go get my books before classes. I walked back to the heads dorm, slowly.

Upon getting there, I conjured a vase and set the lilies in it, inhaling their scent deeply.

_James is too good for me._

I went to grab my books from my room and exited the heads common room for Transfiguration. Because I was wandering, slowly, through the hall ways, I was nearly late. By the time I walked in, McGonagall was standing in front of her chalk board, thirty seconds separating her from the beginning of class.

As James had promised, he had saved me a seat. He looked at me, neither smiling nor frowning, simply looking at me. I settled myself down, angling myself towards him, but not sitting too close. Class started, McGonagall flicked her wand and began lecturing as her notes appeared on the chalk board.

I tried to be a good student, but the will to take notes was very limited. Instead, James pushed a piece of parchment to me, his neat tiny scrawl at the top.

_Lily, can we please talk after Transfig? Like talk, talk?_

I knew something like this was going to come out of sitting next to him, I just didn't know the extent. I did really want to talk to him. I missed him, in a way. Though I had only given in to his charm for a total of three days before I doubted our relationship and backed away. I reached for my quill to answer.

_Can't it wait? I have lots to do today. I'm really behind with homework._

_No, it can't wait. Its Valentine's day, for Pete's sake. And I want my Valentine for once._

_Valentine's Day is a stupid holiday._

_You only say that because you've never had a true Valentine._

_Oh shut it, Potter. I had Max last year._

_Max is a bastard._

_Yeah, he is. But that doesn't matter. Valentine's Day is a stupid holiday._

_Meet me in the empty classroom directly next to this one after class._

I couldn't argue with him anymore. I didn't have the energy to. I folded our notes and placed them in my pocket. I pulled my Transfiguration book closer to me, trying to focus on McGonagall's lecture, but the lesson passed by extremely slowly.

After McGonagall dismissed us, I picked up my things in slow motion. James whipped his stuff into his bag and walked out of the room with the other Marauders, smiling the entire time.

I made my way to the next classroom over, pushing open the door slowly.

The room was already lit, James Potter sitting in the far window sill.

"Lily!" he smiled happily.

"Hi, James," I said, just above a whisper.

"Did you like the lilies?"

I nodded, smiling. "They're lovely."

He grinned excitedly. "Good!" He crossed the room to stand directly in front of me. I didn't say anything, didn't look anywhere other than my shoes. "Lily, please tell me why you're avoiding me."

I kept staring at my shoes. "I just can't do it, James."

"Why not, Lily?"

"I don't know," I mumbled, playing with the end of my hair that was falling in my face.

His hand was under my chin, tipping my face to look at him. "Lily Evans. That is not an answer. Please give me an answer. A real answer." His voice wasn't angry, but it was pleading. It hurt to hear him hurting.

"I really don't know, James. I don't want to avoid you. Its just easier."

"Why, Lily?"

I looked away from him. "Because it hurts, James. I'm trying to avoid more pain," I whispered.

He sighed, dropping his hands to his sides, stepping away slightly. "I want to fix that." His voice was full of pain. I could hear it in every syllable that he said.

"I know."

"You can't have everything, Lily. Tell me how to make you not hurt. Tell me how to fix it and I will. But I can't do anything until you tell me what to do. Tell me what you want."

"I don't know what to tell you. I don't know what I want."

He stepped back towards me. Inching closer and closer every second. I didn't try to retreat. Every inch of me pained. I wanted to be numb again. It was easier to be numb, but with him this close to me, all I felt was pain.

He sighed again, placing his hands on the small of my back, his touch as light as a feather. His fingers tickled me, moving in small circles in the middle of my back, sending a chill up my spine.

I wasn't crying, but I certainly wanted to. My heart ached; I was confused and upset. I didn't know what I wanted. James Potter was all mine if I wanted it that way, I knew that. But why couldn't I say yes? I had told him yes two weeks ago. So why the hell was I doubting myself?

I looked up to stared into James' eyes. They were that green-blue color that the sea turns when there is about to be a big storm, with a brown hue. They were gorgeous. I thought that I could drown in them, and I certainly wouldn't mind drowning there either.

My stomach fluttered as his hand reached up to replace a stray strand of hair behind my ear, his eyes not moving from mine. I heard him licking his lips nervously. I had not been this close to James Potter, voluntarily, in a year and a half. I almost smiled; it felt right to be this close to him. I wished never to be out of his reach again. But then why the hell was I second-guessing my decision to be his?

As if he read my mind, he placed his hands on my hips. He checked my reaction to make sure I wasn't going to protest before he pulled my hips to rest against his. I placed both of my hands against his well-toned chest, still staring into his eyes. I could stand here forever.

"Lily?"

"Hmm?" was all I could muster from my vocal cords.

"You know, I've changed a lot since we were fifteen."

"I know, James."

His eyes darkened slightly. I was sure he was thinking about after our OWLs fifth year. We were silent for a few more minutes. We were still standing close, unmoving. I removed my eyes from his and placed my head against his chest to listen to his heart. Its rhythm was beautiful. I felt his arms tighten around me.

I sighed, contentedly. I really needed to just give in. It would be better for everyone that way. Physically, avoiding him was killing me. I wasn't sleeping. I didn't have much of an appetite. I wasn't fully able to concentrate in class.

"Lily?"

"Yes, James?"

"I would never hurt you again, you know that right?"

I hesitated, and in my brief hesitation, he knew I was unsure. I turned to look at his eyes again. I saw hurt and care both cloud his eyes.

"Lily Blossom, you're the most beautiful girl in the world. I have never loved another girl, ever. I would never – "

I put my fingers over his lips.

"James, I know. After that happened, I promised myself that I would never trust you again." I looked away from him and whispered a few more words, "I promised myself that I would never love you again."

He sighed, dropping his hands from me. "But you're here, aren't you?" he whispered back.

I walked away from him, crossing the room to look out the window. "Yes. I'm here. I'm just confused."

After a minute, he followed me, placing his hands on my waist to pull me close to him again from behind me, putting my back into his front. He put his head on my shoulder. I felt myself stiffen slightly against his touch. "I love you, Lily," he whispered in my ear. "I would never, ever, hurt you again if you give me another chance."

"I know, James. I keep trying to convince myself that."

"Then why can't you trust me again?"

"I guess there's a part of that wall I built against you so long ago still standing."

"Then tell me what I can do to finish taking it down."

I smiled to myself. I was happy with James. I knew when I kissed him for the first time this year that James was what I wanted. There was no doubt about it. My life was a blank slate without James. And two weeks ago, he filled my life with color and much more purpose than I had had before. So why couldn't I just admit to myself that I knew James would never hurt me again? Why couldn't I just admit that I needed him? Why couldn't I just let him kiss me senseless?

Why not? Because he was a jerk to me. And then my next boyfriend cheated on me. The two boys that I had decided that I loved both didn't think that I was good enough for them. I had opened up my heart for them and they took it and shattered it to pieces. I had been hurt by too many people who I had opened up to.

I sighed. _Just tell him exactly what you just told yourself, Evans. Quit shutting down on him. He loves you for Pete's sake!_

"I don't know, James. I've just been hurt by people who I open myself up completely to." I looked at those blue eyes again and melted a little bit more. "I opened up to you. And then I opened up to Max. And the same thing happened both times." I looked away from him again, chewing my lip. I couldn't look at him when I admitted, "I just feel like you think I'm not good enough. So you went off and found someone else before pitching me to the side. I know that's what Max thought."

I felt tears stinging at my eyes. I didn't want to cry in front of James, even though I had multiple times before. I felt a tear slide out of the corner of my eye, but James's hand was there to wipe it away before it even reached my jaw line.

"Lily, you're the only girl good enough for me." His hand tilted my chin up to look at him again. "In all reality, I'm not good enough for you. I hurt you so many times."

He kissed my forehead, then my nose, then the my left cheek. Where his lips touched my face were warm from his touch.

"I love you, Lily Blossom, and no one else. Ever. And I'm not Max. I'm not that bastard who thinks you're not good enough for him. I could never ever think that because you are the only girl that is ever on my mind. I think about you more times in a day than I think about myself. I wonder how you're feeling, I wonder what you're doing, I wonder where you are more times than I think about how, what, or where I am. I swear, Lily."

I was crying again, tears dripping slowly down my face, not because I was upset though. I was so touched that he was sharing this with me. For the first time in two years, I was the one who pulled myself closer to James. I took the initiative this time and wrapped my arms around him tightly, pressing my face into his shirt, not wanting to let go.

He wound his arms around my back, and leaned down, kissing the top of my head.

"You don't need to know how to take down the wall anymore, James," I said into his shirt. "You just swept it away."

He laid his cheek against the top of my head, and I could tell he was smiling. "Happy Valentine's Day, Lily."

"You too, James," I smiled. "And thanks for the lilies."

"Anything for you, Lily Blossom."

"They're beautiful."

"They made me think of you." He moved to nestle his head in the crook of my neck.

I pulled him closer to me.

"Lily?" he said into my neck.

"Hmm?"

"Will you be my girlfriend? Like, officially?"

"Yes, James."

"No shit this time? Seriously?" He looked up, locking his eyes on mine.

"Yes, James," I repeated, smiling.

"And you're not going to run away this time, right? You're really mine?"

"Yes, James. I'm really yours."

I had never seen James so happy. His face lit up, smile from ear to ear.

"Hell yes!" he said, before burring his head in my neck again.


End file.
